Work Eating

If non-hunger eating is a signal of some other need, then my psyche has been waving its arms, jumping up and down, and giving those obnoxious taxi-calling whistles almost every working day between 8:30 and 11 for the last week.  It would probably continue until noon lunch, but I get full–or run out of snacks.

Since my new practice is to not scream and rage and call myself horrible names for doing things like this, instead I’m going to assume that there’s a reason that I am compelled to eat, something that is making me feel uncomfortable.  Since my first therapy appointment isn’t for a while, I guess it’s up to me to figure things out.

I’m usually at my desk in the mornings, in my little fabric-walled cubicle, doing paperwork, entering data, processing stuff, e-mailing, maybe manning departmental phones.   When I sit there, I eat–when I’m off doing something else, I don’t.  Yesterday, I had two small blueberry muffins, a Butterfingers candy bar, a package of M&Ms, half a bag of baby carrots, and a few pieces of hard candy.

My desk is really the only place I can eat in my department–there’s no food allowed on the public floor, not even coffee in lidded cups.  So I could just try and keep away from my desk, though I do have to complete my work somewhere, so that isn’t practical.  I could try avoiding snacks, but I’m not dieting any more and I really do get hungry between breakfast and lunch–what I’d like to do is avoid eating when I’m not hungry, but obviously I need to smooth the way, here.

Maybe I’m anxious about something*.  My cubicle opens up to my supervisor’s office, and almost everyone passes behind me to go in and out.  One of my co-workers is always popping in to ask me something.  I often feel as though everything I’m doing is on display.  If I check my e-mail, will someone come by to check if it’s work related?  What if I get into trouble?  I’m the only one working in my family right now–what if I lose my job?

Yeah, could be anxiety.

Of course, I could just be bored with the same old routines.  Or bracing myself for dealing with the public. Or worried about deadlines.  Or avoiding thinking about tasks I don’t want to do.

Or, or, or . . .

I think the thing to do is to wait for the urge this morning, pay close attention, and see if I can figure out the trigger.  If I can do that, maybe I can figure out how to change or relieve the situation without emptying a box of zingers.**

Stay tuned . . .

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*Good Lord, is there anything I’m not anxious about?  Let’s just put the phrase ’specifically work-related’ at the end of that sentence, shall we?

**Or running upstairs on my break and buying all the candy bars in the vending machine.  And don’t even talk to me about leftover meeting doughnuts right now . . .

Tags: anxiety, eating disorders, overeating, work